I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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