I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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