My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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