If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
