if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
