i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
