I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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