I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
