i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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