genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
