my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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