Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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