Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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