Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
