Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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