i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
