I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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