i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
