True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
