The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
