On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
