Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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