I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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