I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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