Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
