can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
