I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
