All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
