if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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