he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
