worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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