We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
