Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
