If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
