Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
