So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
