my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
