you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
