Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
