I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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