I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
