Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
