I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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