I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
