Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
