I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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