i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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