sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
