oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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