make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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