There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
